Sisyphean Hope

There are very few things in life that launch me off into a mental spiral into an all-day daydream like the prospect of never having to work again.

In case you don’t keep track, the Megamillions lotto is up to $244,000,000 tonight. This being the case I find myself going through my usual routine. I buy a ticket and wait for my golden ticket to freedom. As I wait and pray (or whatever) numerous scenarios and numbers roll through my head. Behold.

The first thing you have to do is figure out how much you will actually walk away with after the government does their fiscal castration. According to the California Lottery Commission if you, and you alone, win the jackpot and opt for the cash value option you would be awarded $155,000,000. Luckily the state of California does not take taxes out of lottery winnings over $5,000. This is stupid, for the record. Speak to my aching, beaten Saturn and the continuing war against potholes in Southern California. But the federal government takes 25% of all lottery winnings. So now you’ve got $116,775,000. Now the real fun begins.

There have been numerous people who have won the lottery and claimed that it cursed them for the rest of their lives. Some people just don’t know what to do with that much money.

I remember reading an ethnography in my anthropology class back at UT that some people are so ingrained into a specific caste mindset that if presented with something as exalting as a massive fortune, they would simply revert to their usual lifestyle but with more gaudiness. The notable example would be after Hurricane Katrina in 2005. After being paid restitution for the massive destruction of New Orleans by FEMA, instead of using the money to rebuild their homes or lives, some residents chose to spend the money on superfluous eccentricities such as bling or rims.

There are others who suggest that the best thing to do with sudden wealth is to give it all away, whether to a charity or religious intuition. I’ve heard from some that the first thing you need to do when you win is to give half of your winning away, even after taxes just to keep the Feds from MC Hammering your ass. This bumps us down to $58,387,500, which is still a ludicrously large amount of money.

Now it would be ill advised to just throw all of that into a checking account. Most fiscal advisors would…uh…advise that if you are under 40 you should keep your cash split 75-20-5. 75% of the amount in stock and mutual funds, which are likely to return 10% or more every year. 20% should be in locked assets such as CDs, though at their current interest rates you might as well just keep it in your sock. The last 5% should go into your checking and savings account. This has been your financial soapbox lecture.

Here comes the ugly: the odds. CA Lottery says that the odds of winning the jackpot are 1 in 197,911,536. Let’s compare. (INHALE) The chances of being killed by lightning are roughly 2,650,000 to 1. You are still 6 to 45 times more likely to die from a lightning strike than you would be to win the lottery. You are 18 to 120 times more likely to become infected by a flesh-eating bacterium. You're a whopping 180 to 1,200 times more likely to die a snake bite or bee sting. Statistically, you are 30,000% to 200,000% more likely to die in a legal execution than to win the lottery You are 450,000 to 3,000,000 times more likely to die in an asteroid collision in the year 2029 than to win the lottery. If you drive 10 miles to purchase your lottery ticket, it's three to twenty times more likely for you to be killed in a car accident along the way than to win the jackpot.

Bummed out yet? Bored? K. How about this: if you take that 5% of the winnings we were talking about and keep it in a savings account at a pathetic 1% interest rate, you would make $58,387. Every year. Forever. I think that’s worth a dollar.

UPDATE: FUCK!!!